There and Back Again, Then There Once More
“Look through that backpack! I hope it’s that one! Darn Diana’s Boyfriend’s Beauty Radiance! It’s making me even blinder!” blasted out (but kindly) Big Beauty. The small hill that was Peon T under a sweater was looking through the bag. He screamed, “@%!$# THESE BACKPACKS! They’re even bigger on the inside! I swear this is where Elvis is hiding!”
Big Beauty growled (but sweetly), “Peon! Watch your sailor’s mouth! Even though I swear a lot, especially when we May-ree-oh Care-t.”
“IT’S PRONOUNCED MARIO KART! WHY WOULD YOU…”
A dim gold light lit up the inside of the cavernous sweater. As he pulled the bottle from within the backpack, his eyes widened to a hazy blue. Peon was utterly awestruck. Everything about him was in the right place. Everything was the right size, except of course for his overall size of six inches. But besides that, Peon had never felt the extreme anxiety from being around handsome people. Except for Big Beauty, who is GORGEOUS!
“Hey!” said Diana’s Boyfriend.
Peon T was still quiet. His mouth was wide open. He was forgetting to breathe. He croaked, “Hi.”
“Ummm, what’s your name?”
“Peon? What happened? Why did you… Did you find him?!”
“It’s Queen T. I serve Big Beauty, the most beautiful girl in the world. Have… have we met before?”
“Peon! Answer me please!”
“No I don’t. Or at least I don’t remember you. I’m not from here.”
He looked up and said, “YES, I FOUND HIM!”
“Great! Bring him out here! I want to see his fuzzy outline,” she barked (but cutely).
Peon T grabbed the bottle and took off his sweater (by tunneling out). He held him up high to show Big Beauty.
“Is that really him? He’s so small!”
“YES! HE’S… ENTHRALLING.”
She knelt down and focused as best she could. The bright light around him disturbed her eyes but for a split second the fuzziness went away.
A vacuum of enormous proportions scrounged about 20,000 nearby insects into the unsuspecting lungs of Big Beauty. She would have noticed if her vision hadn’t suddenly cleared. She hadn’t ever felt the lightness of her head without a ton of ocular enhancement window panes. She could see the grass fields that stretched over yonder and the contours and dents of her sweater on the ground. But, of course, all she wanted to do was look at him.
“Oh… my… you’re absolutely stunning! You’re even more beautiful than Leesa! You’re unspeakably handsome! I just want to… I… I don’t know what I want to do to you! You fixed my vision… I love you. Peon, please carry him on the pillow. Let’s go!”
Diana’s Boyfriend said, “Wait, do I get any choice in this?” but nobody heard him. Peon T grabbed a purple pillow and placed his bottle on it. He climbed onto her shoe and she started walking away.
The walk was silent. Peon T and Big Beauty hardly talked to each other when he rode on her foot because of how uncomfortable their conversations were. Diana’s Boyfriend sat laid on the cramped ground in the bottle and thought silently. The walk was silent for an hour. After an hour, though, they heard screams behind them. Big Beauty glanced over her shoulder. When she noticed who they were, she felt slightly triumphant and continued walking away.
Frank, panting, told Sarah, “Please just use the PPR on her!”
Sarah handed him a note which read:
IOU some clever and ingenious weapons!
Mr. Wilbur, The Ultimate Creator of Everything
Frank was befuddled.
“Fine then! I’ll do something for once!”
He thought for a second and decided to rummage through his backpack. He took out a fireworks launcher.
“Do any of you have matches?”
Sarah took out a matchbox from one of her backpack pockets. She lit the match and handed it to him in a rush. Frank lit the fuse and firmly held the launcher in his hands. He steadied his aim towards the giant. A second later a whoosh sounded through the air, although it wasn’t very loud.
Big Beauty was hit in the face by a billion burning wisps. It was also very pretty. Big Beauty’s hair ignited (though not because of the firework) and chrysanthemums came plummeting from her nostrils. She turned around and blew a billion flowers onto the kids. The kids were bombarded with petioles and petals alike. None of them were hurt nor dazed, though, so it was all in good fun.
Big Beauty was still angry. She started for them when she noticed a speck running towards them on the ground. Peon skedaddled over to the kids as fast as he could. He nearly tripped over a gopher hole along the way and made it to the four of them panting.
“Here. Take him!”
He held out the bottle in which Diana’s Boyfriend was nestled.
“What?” said everyone surprised (although one of them said it with immeasurable fury)
“My name’s Thomas.”
Frank said out loud, “Oh! Your name’s Thomas?! I guess I don’t know you. But you look like someone I used to know. Why did you tell us your name?”
“I… have my reasons.”
“THOMAS! Get back Diana’s Boyfriend now!”
“Right now I spoke my true name to the world just to show you I’m serious! You want me to get Diana’s Boyfriend? NO! He’ll get in the way… of us.”
Big Beauty looked awestruck (but cantankerous). She knelt down to listen and spoke.
“Do you… Do you really mean it?”
“Big Beauty, I think you’re something special. I don’t know how tall you are, but I know you’ve got a big prefrontal cortex. Plus, your heart must be the size of two elephants to keep you alive.”
“That’s so… ambiguous. I had no idea you were into giant four-eyed monsters, let alone women.”
“I didn’t think that either. Until I met you.”
“I love cheesy romance that doesn’t seem real! Are you sure you like me?”
“Never fall in love without tucking in the sheets first.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You don’t have to get it.”
“No, I don’t get why you had to give away Diana’s Boyfriend. They’re running off. I’m going to get them.”
Thomas turned around to see the four kids off in the distance sprinting in calamity.
“Eh, leave them alone. You can’t get him without me getting him for you, anyway, and I really want to spend some time with you. Can you please leave them alone for me?”
“Okay. But we’ll get them later, right? I still want Diana’s Boyfriend.”
“I do too. Isn’t he hot?”
“Yes. Did you see his dimples?”
“Yeah, but they don’t compare to the stark, jade green your eyes emit.”
Big Beauty smiled and screamed (but delicately), “Diana’s Boyfriend can wait. We’ll turn him into a trophy and add him to my room. Then my collection will truly begin.”
“Yup. I give them three days before they’re dead. Diana’s Boyfriend will scream for help, and with his cries his beauty will scream out to us.”
Big Beauty grabbed Thomas and placed him on her shoulder. He added, “By the way, you don’t have four eyes anymore.”
“Oh yeah. I forget.”
Wind. Panting. No one could say anything. They all looked behind in fear.
Big Beauty was walking away casually. After a minute only the top of her head could be seen in the distant horizon.
“I think we’re finally in for the clearing!” exclaimed Frank.
They all sighed cheerfully.
It was after noon now. It had been a day back on Earth.
“What do we do now?” asked Freddy.
Brandy whinnied, “Oh, all I want to do is rest. Can’t we rest for a little bit?”
“Not until we get the Lamp! Didn’t we get enough of a rest in Purgatory?”
“Well,” continued Freddy, “since Big Beauty scared all of the clouds away, we don’t know where to go. As we wait for the clouds to reappear, why don’t we sit down and share a story or two?”
“Should we really follow the clouds? They don’t have feelings nor are they sentient. We’re relying basically on the differences of pressure in air masses,” stated Sarah
“They seem to know more than us, though.”
“I guess, but I get to tell a story then!”
“Go for it!”
Everyone sat. Frank laid Diana’s Boyfriend on the ground, upon which he sat as well. Sarah said, “Okay! I know a good story! It’s called
In Saphollow, There Is Sarah!
See, I was born in a village called Saphollow! By the time I was born, I had already constructed a car that runs on babies’ tears! The village people knew I would be a great inventor because of that. Plus I had built my own parents, so that earned me even higher pay. Oh, I forgot to mention I have robot parents. Well, anyway, all my life was dedicated to inventing! I couldn’t stop! I kept making inventions in my sleep! Some days I’d wake up with automated toasters that fill your car’s tires with air and comb that could read Braille. I filed for copyrights and patents. The village of Saphollow was small before I arrived. By the time I was nine, the town was so rich they made it a requirement for everyone living there to be millionaires! They even changed the town’s name to Silicon Valley! Everything was fine: my parents loved me more than any human could (robots can love more than humans, in a way) and everyone around me was happy with the money they made. All good things came to an end, though. A letter came in on my tenth birthday, saying I had to go to school. And not just any school: Frankfurt Middle School. When I read it, I screamed and told my mom I wasn’t going. She said I had to go or they’d be arrested and tried as humans. I went, for my parents of course. The night I left, I hugged my parents goodbye. I had all the necessary supplies for school and we stood outside. A red limousine rolled up the newly industrialized town. Once the taxi stopped, Penumbridge popped out. I forgot what he said, but it was something along the lines of, “Bluh bluh, bluh, I hate kids, but apparently you need them at a middle school, so come along, you seafood ear.”
I told him I didn’t want to. He then said, “Bluh, blah, (gag), stupid kid! You’ll learn magic or whatever you dumbos like these days! So come along! Get in here!”
I said, “But I’m an inventor! My stinkin’ parents are robots!”
He looked at them.
“Yeah, they do look a bit different form the other dumb parents. You know what? I’ll make a deal with you! I’ll set up a special room for you so you can make inventions for me! Oh, and you can’t say no!”
He grabbed me and we flew into the sky. Huh, I wonder why I didn’t figure out he was a vampire before. So I made many inventions for Penumbridge. Fun Fact: I designed the Lug Nut Bots you guys hate, the Sentry Bots, and pretty much his entire army. Then you guys rescued me! Except…………………………………………………………………………………
I have a secret! ALL MY INVENTIONS ARE DUDS! My robot parents aren’t sentient; they only think they have emotions! You’ve seen how easily my Penumbridge’s robots blow up! All of them have a flaw here or catch there. I’ve never made anything worth having! Nothing of mine works… *sob*… *sob*
(Cut the chapter! CUT THE CHAPTER!!!)