Mr. Penumbridge was in the White house in Freddy’s world thinking about his new plan. As chairman of both Earths, he was to assign an ambassador to Mars. He didn’t know who to send, mostly from the fact Martians would eat the pancreas of any human they found. Plus most humans were way too… what’s the word… it’s not stupid… I guess the best word would be “human”. If you met any other sentient species, you’d notice humans are truly one in a million.
He had heard the Queen of Mars was coming to earth on a diplomatic mission to kidnap a fat lady or something like that. He w=really wanted to make a Martian peasss treaty so he could form an even stronger alliance across the systems and send all cows to Mars. With the cows on Mars, he could construct a Cows With Apples Cannon and fire milk to destroy the Earth in Freddy’s Universe. And then for enjoyment, he would…
“Yes… oooh, I’ll do it! I’m so bad, I think I should be the principal of a High School someday. But I don’t think I will.” And who was he talking to? No one.
Luckily, there’s always someone behind you no matter where you are. And guess who said. “Ow, ow, ow,” behind him?
Penumbridge turned around to find an adolescent bum on the ground groaning. He held his hand to his temple and tried getting up. He quickly recognized the kid.
“YOU!!! Oh my gosh, why do you whippersnappers keep following me around?! I swear I’m going to destroy Pluto if I ever see one of you again…”
“Mr. Penumbridge? I… oh… I’m really sorry, but could I ask you to not order me killed?”
“I won’t. Not this time, at least. You see, I talked with our narrator-”
“You know, for the book we’re in?”
“We’re still trapped in the Book? How did you get here?”
“We’re not trapped in it! We literally cannot exist without him!”
“Wait. Snow White’s book?”
“No! Well, actually I’m not sure what the narrator calls the book, but it’s not Snow White’s book. It has nothing to do with Snow White. It has to do with us!”
“Wait, you’re saying we’re inside a book someone is writing with our conversations and thoughts being transmitted into words?”
“Yes! The narrator is just like you! In fact, you’re just a version of himself within the story!”
Freddy felt an innate understanding of all this and believed him.
“So I’m just a pawn? I’m just a character in a story used for entertainment and demi-comedic performances?”
“Aren’t we all?”
Freddy did not want to believe any of this and blocked it out of his mind. He put his hands on his lap as he sat down on a chair.
Mr. Penumbridge forgot what he was originally going to say and continued with, “You know, being vampire president of two Earths is really difficult and takes a lot of time out of my day. I really need an ambassador to Mars so we can make a treaty and you seem fit.”
“The thing is either you listen or I send an order for your death certificate. I passed a new law a few minutes ago. Everyone one in the world is an authorized sheriff and I’m going to order them to be on the lookout for three stupid looking teenagers.”
“But… I thought maybe they died or maybe they’re still in the book.”
“They’re not dead. They’re here on Earth. As chairman, I can feel everyone on this planet and I can feel them. I just don’t know where they are. Anyway, You’re going to be ambassador to Mars, though, so you won’t have to ne a sheriff. Be good or we may have to invade Mars. There’s a Martian spaceship orbiting the Earth. They’ve even set up a post on one of the asteroids. They’ll be here very shortly”
Two Martians assembled from two floating cardboard boxes. They spoke in some weird snake tongue none of them could understand, though they looked happy. Mr. Penumbridge said, “Yeah, yeah. Are you guys happy with Earth now?” They smiled and dragged Freddy into one of the boxes. He heard Mr. Penumbridge say, “Hello, Earth. Be on the lookout for three idiots.” before everything went dark.
He once again saw light. The room was brown and spacious. There was a large view of the space in front of them As he got out of the box, he saw a young lady with brunette hair. She wore a pink poofy dress and said, “Hello, Freddy! I’ve read your mind and you seem qualified to be our dinner.”
Freddy swelled with fear and said, “I thought I was going to be ambassador?!”
“I just sent a mental message to Mr. Penumbridge telling him we’ll need more ambassadors if he wants the CWAC plans to pull through and form a peace treaty. Anyways, well be eating your pancreas tonight. You might feel a slight… Wait! YOU KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE IMPOSSIBLY LOUD SOUND!! It was a girl all along! BRANDY! Tell me the whereabouts of her and I’ll spare your life!”
Freddy looked slightly relieved. “I don’t know where she is right now…”
“You’re friends, right? You’ll find her eventually! Which is why I’m going to stuff you with this alien.”
Freddy decided to not ask “WHAT?” like he usually does and accepted all the unusual things that happened to him. He just said, “Go on,”, knowing there was no way to escape this.
“We’re going to put a Zemorphidium inside of you. We don’t know what they are or where they are from, but we found seven of them in the bodies of our own people. They survey the planet and find weak spots to attack the planet and take all of its resources and slave labor. The typical Zemorphidium is ten feet tall and weighs a thousand pounds. They attacked us, but luckily we used our extensive underground network system to fend them off. Their garrison wasn’t too large, either. This is just a Harvester Zemorphidium, though its tuned to our species. You’re going to survey Earth for us and get deep in there along with our Martians on the Earth looking for Brandy. We’re going to take the girl to be my best friend and take over your government. Don’t worry, though.Our government is much more advanced and focuses on the progression of sentient life. This is why we can travel through space and you guys are still getting thirty miles per gallon on your slow terrain vehicles.”
A Martian handed her a jar with a bright glowing orange light. Freddy asked, “What about the Dark Side of McDonald’s? Can you take us there?”
“The Dark Side of McDonald’s? Is that the only post on any of these asteroids besides our own?”
“We passed over it upon entering orbit so we stationed ourselves on the opposite side. It looked suspicious. They were doing massive construction all over the rock!”
Freddy didn’t know what to think of it and said nothing.
“Maybe we’ll take you there. If you do a good job. But for now, strain yourself because I’m about to open this jar!”
Freddy had no time to prepare or think before the Queen of Mars unlocked the lid. The orange ball of light struck Freddy in the chest. Freddy saw an orange glow before he fell asleep.
Laura knew not what to do now. She paced back and forth for a minute and said, “Aw, forget about that Brandy girl! I don’t want any friends! I just want to stare out at the Earth right now!” The ship turned to show the Earth in the large viewing window.
“And forget about taking over the Earth! Throw Freddy out the air lock!”
They did ssso.
[And, if you care, I AM DONE! End of Book One and onto Book Two: Incomprehensible!]