You’re A Pretty Llama
Somehow, the four of them got there fast. The one person that was waiting for them knew that. Oh, she knew all right. If it wasn’t for her wonderful jokes, her genius mind, or her lovely falsetto voice, she’d know too much. She has a name, although no one dares speak it. So we’ll just call her Ms. Marvel. Why Marvel, you ask? Because she’s Marvel-ous! If you met her, you’d probably blow your brains out when you’d figure out she’s married!
Yes, she is married! So now that I’ve introduced you to the wonderful Ms. Marvel, let’s see what she’s up to.
The most beautiful woman in Kokomo waited. As slim and slender as a foxhound, she wore a yellow polka dot
bikini trench coat. She waited eagerly by the side of the road. She had been waiting for three days. THREE DAYS of waiting for some stupid kids.
Ms. Marvel became tired of waiting and decided to leave a note for them. It read something along the lines of:
I know you’ve taken a while to get here. I’m a very busy [woman] and I’ve gone to live the rest of my life. If you want to see me, be sure to get seats for the Okra Show. I swear on Brandy’s accredited clown college one day, sooner or later, I will be on the Okra Show. If you didn’t attend, then you probably felt a bullet in your gall bladder earlier. Of course I’m just hypothetically speaking. If it were possible to kill someone without any orders, you would’ve been dead long ago for making me wait here. Please attend the Okra Show as that will be the last time I’ll go lenient on you.
♥ Ms. Marvel
Days passed. Ms. Marvel had done everything in the entire world except be on the Okra Show. Funny how she had not met the Kokomos in her arduous trek. It’s as if they had been blown off the face of the Earth! It didn’t matter, though. She knew they knew they had to see her at the Okra Show or else the contract would be broken and blood would be splattered all over the walls. Ms. Marvel grabbed her luger and her Okra Show ticket. She stuffed both of them into her pockets.
As she drove to the studio, she looked at the rear view mirror. She noticed something, even though it only lasted for a second. She thought she had seen a smudge of yellow, black, and brown. She turned around and saw nothing. No, this is not some terrible form of suspense! I’ll tell you right now it was those meddlesome kids in the back. She looked once more in the mirror and, of course, there was nothing.
Ms. Marvel found something in the corner of her eyes. She turned to her passenger seat to find an oboe wearing pants. She stared at it for a second in confusion. “This is not making dollars,” she thought.
Aw, darn it. Security.
“Got your ticket hot stuff?”
She pulled out her luger and handed it to the security guard. The man inspected it and surveyed it.
“Everything looks fine. Thanks, ma’am. Enjoy the show! By the way, I wrote my number on your gun, so… yeah.”
Ms. Marvel was so tired of hearing people flirt on her. She sometimes considered eating at Carl’s Jr. more often so people would think she’s ugly.
Upon arriving on the set, she saw several producers, T.V. writers, and editors. She really wanted to see her, though. Ms. Marvel stood and waited until they called her name.
“Welcome one and all to the Okra Show! I’m your host, Oprah Winfrey! This is our first live broadcast now filming in Kokomo, Indiana! Or is it Illinois? I forget! All I know is this is going to be a huge success! You guys are in for a treat tonight! We have special guest celebrity Björk and a very special segment on beautiful women! Let’s get started…”
Ms. Marvel awaited patiently yet very eagerly for the upcoming moment: her shining face across two percent of all television sets across America! She kept her ticket in her pocket, wondering whether she would have to use it later…
“And now, joining us for today, is the beautiful Ms. Marvel!”
“One, two, three, pay no attention to the cameras, seven, smile, smile more, for goodness sake: SMILE!, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, [TRIP], [GET BACK UP], fifteen!” thought Ms. Marvel as she strode across the stage. Oprah asked worriedly, “Are you alright?!”
“I’m fine! I’m very clumsy!”
The audience and Oprah laughed. Speaking of the audience…
Ms. Marvel paid note to the audience. She thought, “The twerps aren’t here! I better get my ticket ready!” She then looked at Oprah, who was now reaching out her hand. Ms. Marvel swiftly grabbed and shook her hand, finally getting with the program.
“Hello, Ms. Marvel! Tell the audience and the world what brings you here today.”
“I’m here because I’m the most beautiful woman in Kokomo.”
Oprah turned to the audience and asked, “Isn’t that interesting?” No one said anything for a second. One person coughed then a man yelled, “When do we get the free cars?” (Apparently that was on everyone else’s mind.)
Oprah laughed and continued with, “What’s it like being very beautiful?”
“Well-” A flash of yellow sped across the first row. Or was it… blonde?
“Well, I have to spend twenty three hours in the bathroom. You’re just lucky you caught me between intervals-” Another flash appeared as everyone laughed. This time it was brunette.
“Well, we’re glad to have you here,” said Oprah, wondering why Ms. Marvel looked so nervous. Ms. Marvel saw another flash, but it was much closer this time. She felt they were closing in.
“What do you plan to do in the future?”
“I plan on forgiving the children for planning to kill them. Kokomos, please forgive me! If you’re still alive somewhere, I promise not to kill you!”
“Are you talking about us?” yelled someone from the crowd.
‘Twas Sarah! Next to her were Brandy, Freddy, and Frank. How had she missed them? Oprah asked, “Are they with you?” She nodded with a baffled expression. Oprah said, “Come on up here, kids! Let’s talk about this.”
The four went on the stage.
“All right, so what is going on between you guys and Ms. Marvel?”
Sarah said, “We don’t know Ms. Marvel, but when we arrived, she ignored us and kept ignoring us until right now.”
“You’re not from here?”
Frank said, “We’re from places far and unknown!”
Oprah chuckled, or rather guffawed. The audience did so as well.
“So why did she ignore you?”
“We don’t know,” said Brandy, “She seemed as if she couldn’t see us. We’ve been with her the whole time, even when she went around the world! She put us in situations where we were in explicit danger! Freddy here nearly died of heat stroke as we crossed the Gobi Desert and she just kept striding on her ostrich as we forcibly ran with Freddy on Frank’s back!”
Freddy put his palm against his face for a second. He knew Brandy talking was not a good idea. Something bad was about to happen.
Oprah said, “And what you’re saying is true?” Brandy realized the wrong of her ways and said nothing. What Brandy didn’t know was saying nothing made things more believable. Oprah looked at Ms. Marvel disappointedly. The guards slowly inched forward. Oprah said, “Well, I don’t know if what this girl said is true, but they surely look worn and torn. Have you not been taking care of these kids?”
“I couldn’t see them! They weren’t there with me! I…”
Oprah looked displeased. She said, “Child neglect is one thing I will not condone. Guards. Please escort Ms. Marvel from the vicinity. And please contact the police. I hope you spend a long time in the gutter. As for you guys, I hope we can find a nice orphanage to take care of you, okay?”
All five of them gasped! And so did the audience! This was almost worth going home in their old, rundown cars! The security guards handcuffed Ms. Marvel and surrounded the kids. Ms. Marvel had enough of this.
“Oprah, I’m not going to let you stop me!”
Everyone in the room transformed into kiwis.
Have you ever heard of the saying “In a room full of kiwis”? No? Exactly! It doesn’t happen very often, but if you do ever get into this situation, you better hope you made your will. Nothing good ever comes out of a room full of kiwis.
Oprah kiwi scuttled away, as did most of the other kiwis. Miss Marvel looked at the children. Frank, after analyzing the condition of every other person in the room, said, “Hey, thanks for getting rid of Oprah. We surely did not want to live in an orphanage. Now can you tell us where your dad is?” Miss Marvel did not care what he was saying.
“Do you know why you’re not a bird indigenous to New Zealand right now?”
The four shook their heads.
“I have better plans for you. Now get the keys for these handcuffs! They’re right there!”
Three of them started away as Brandy started running towards Miss Marvel. “I’m sorry I had to mind control you Brandy,” said Miss Marvel loud enough so the others could hear, “I didn’t want to resort to this. Neither you nor your friends listened to me. Don’t worry, though. It won’t cost too much of your IQ.” Frank thought of a joke that, if said aloud, would haze Brandy’s meager IQ. He kept quiet.
Brandy, under Miss Marvel’s will, released her from her shackles. Miss Marvel, with all her evil intentions, let magic stream through her body. Blue magic, to be exact. It takes a lot of blue magic to turn people into llamas. And that’s what she did.
Too bad their brains or vocal cords weren’t shifted. Brandy said, “I’m sorry, you guys! I just felt an extreme urge to save her.” They knew it wasn’t her fault and ended the conversation there. Freddy spoke, “Miss Marvel, didn’t you used to be a teacher?”
“Exactly! You can’t be a teacher when you turn all your students into llamas. Especially when you choose the plumpest kids in school.”
“I’m not fat!” exclaimed Brandy.
“I wasn’t talking about you, stupid. My original class!” said Miss Marvel. She wound them up with a rope around her hands. She led them back home the ways a shepherd leads churchgoers.
A woman as powerful as Miss Marvel could get anything she wanted. She was even more powerful than Oprah, and the Power of O can make cantaloupes taste like honeydew. Once they entered Miss Marvel’s million dollar mansion, Miss Marvel took out her ticket. They panicked at the sight of it. She called them with her mighty teacher love. She asked them, “Why did you kids come here? There’s another reason besides the simple truth I was going to kill you guys if you didn’t. Tell me, darlings.”
“I came here for science.”
“I came here for adventure.”
“I don’t know why I came.”
“I came here for love.”
“These kids are so pathetic,” thought Miss Marvel. She asked, “When did you guys arrive?”
“How come I haven’t seen you for the past four days?”
Frank llama said, “Get glasses, old lady”
“I can’t take this anymore! Forget the deal, Alisa! These kids aren’t worth-” was the last thing she thought before she thought, “My leg! My beautiful, long leg…”
The blue magic wore off before she hit the floor. Although the effects of blue magic leave you a bit disoriented, Brandy swears she saw a dark figure move past the window. When she dizzily ran to the window, all she saw left was a message written in the condensation. It was a heart cracked in the middle. In each half were the initials. One of them read “WSF” and the other read “BAN”.
She fell to the floor, gasped for air, died for a second, resuscitated, and fell into another of her infamous coma-naps.
“Why do we keep her around?” asked Freddy, “All she does is faint and play oboe.” Frank added, “I know! A weird frog with an octopus on its head would be more productive!”
“Hey guys,” exclaimed Sarah, “I found Miss Marvel’s numbers!”
“It’s all printed on this cow!”
Freddy and Frank turned their attention to a cow in the corner. It was alive and covered in black splotches. It was very quiet and moved little, but considering its hefty size, it wasn’t doing too bad. Freddy and Frank walked over to the cow. Upon further inspection, the splotches were actually people’s phone numbers all over the cow. The oddest part was they scuttled and scurried around the cow. It was truly an eye sore.
“Do you see Mr. Marvel’s?”
“Nope,” said Sarah, “I see the White House’s, though. There’s also the number for the Martian embassy moving along the spinal cord… Ooh! There’s my house number!” Frank asked, “You had a house?” She said, “Yeah! That was before they sent me to Penumbridge’s school.” Freddy said, “You guys! Let’s look!” They had no time to look before the door was flew open.
Mr. Marvel entered the mansion. It took him a while to notice the situation. Once it hit him, he exclaimed, “My wife!” and went by her side to inspect her. That’s when they all noticed Miss Marvel was still on the ground. Frank whispered, “Darn it, she’s married? Who would actually marry her?” The other two shrugged.
The portly man yelled, “What did you guys do to my wife?!! Did you guys pretend to be ghosts? She’s deathly afraid of-”
“Sir, “said Sarah, “she kidnapped us and turned us into alpacas-”
“I thought we were llamas!” interrupted Frank.
“Same thing. Anyway, she kidnapped us and was about to kill us when she suddenly fell to the ground and here we are.”
What they had known was Mr. Marvel was Miss Marvel’s husband. What they had not known was he is a physicist. From his pocket he pulled out a point. He stretched the point into a line. He did that to other points while the group patiently waited for a response. He put the linbes together to make a two dimensional phone.
“Hello, police,” he said as he lowered the total gravity to zero to prevent them from escaping. They slowly floated away from each other and around the room with much commotion, along with everything else.
“These kids invaded my home, killed my wife, and committed adultery. Oh wait. That was me. Strike that last part! They also committed genocide, matricide, homicide, suicide, patricide, regicide, and xenocide! Every kind of cide you can think of! Send an officer! Quickly!”
He walked plainly on the ground as the others tried to stay still and push themselves away from the walls. The cow struggled to move, hitting walls and breaking vases. The vases floated ornately throughout, giving the room a sort of mystical look. Mr. Marvel said, “Thanks for getting rid of my wife! I’m sorry it had to be this way, though. Have fun in prison!” Sarah exclaimed, “She’s not dead!” Mr. Marvel pointed to the cow and twirled his finger as he left. Everything fell towards the cow.
Miraculously, nothing stabbed the cow, especially with all the broken vases. The others hit the cow with much force. Luckily, the cow’s fatty tissue softened the blow. The cow kept spinning about the room. They tried getting up, but the room spinning around them made them very dizzy, causing them to fall back to the ground beef.
“Okay, look,” said Sarah, “The cops are coming very soon so let’s look for that number!”
“How can we?” asked Frank
“Move the stuff out of the wAAYy (narrowly missing the former ground as the cow flew threw the room)!” Sarah ducked and tried to stay as low to the ground as possible along with the others. Freddy grabbed a vase and tried throwing it. It went a few feet, stopped, and fell back towards the cow. It hit Sarah on the arm.
Freddy looked for some sort of ledge to hold the vases and broken vases. He saw a closet with the door hanging towards them. It was dark inside, so he took his chances and tried throwing a vase in there. Amazingly he aimed properly and the vase made it inside.
“You guys! Throw the vases in the closet!”
Frank and Sarah managed to find said closet and, whenever they faced it, tried throwing a vase or two in there. Some were successes while many were failures, although no one got seriously hurt. Freddy got two bruises and Frank received a scrape. Eventually there was barely anything left on the cow. They even managed to find Brandy on the rump of the cow.
“Look for Mr. Marvel!” yelled Sarah as she crouched to the floor. Hundreds of names moved in a hurricane of letters and jumbled addresses. The names tried forming clumps. Some made bigger clumps while others looked for bigger clumps to join. It would be impossible to find his name in the little time they had left! They looked and searched anyway as fate grimaced at his watch. Time was out. They knew it and didn’t quit.
Everyone except Brandy looked over to the source of the yell. They couldn’t see anyone. That’s when a man in a blue suit and blue hat appeared.
“All of you! Hold it!”
The cow stopped moving and floated in the center of the room. Sarah said, “Excuse me-”
“You have the right to remain silent. Any evidence…” and spoke the rest of Miranda.
He turned around as he exited with the cow floating behind him.
Sarah said, “But mister-”
“We’ll be on the island in an hour.”